


You Ever Were a Child

by WhatEvenAmI



Series: Beware the Killer Rabbits [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Diapers, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Minecraft, Non-Sexual Age Play, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleepovers, Wetting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-07-28 11:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7639045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatEvenAmI/pseuds/WhatEvenAmI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What is it about childhood that never lets you go, even when you're so wrecked it's hard to believe you ever were a child?”</p><p>-Mitch Albom, <em>For One More Day</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	You Ever Were a Child

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mr_Phich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Phich/gifts).
  * Inspired by [to go chasing a whale](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7541011) by [Mr_Phich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Phich/pseuds/Mr_Phich). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For both Bucky and Clint, it's good to have someone who understands. It helps them open up and break down some walls, and guard one another from those things that creep up from the past.

**_How Many, How Much_ **

_How many slams in an old screen door?_

_Depends how hard you shut it._

_How many slices in a bread?_

_Depends how thin you cut it._

_How much good inside a day?_

_Depends how good you live ‘em._

_How much love inside a friend?_

_Depends how much you give ‘em._

_-Shel Silverstein_

Bucky and Clint have been practicing hanging out more when they’re big. They’ve gotten good at looking out for each other, and mostly things go well.

And sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it does get a little rough. Or _really_ rough. But it’s always okay, because they understand. Clint knows what it’s like to have a hard time, so he doesn’t get mad when Bucky panics or forgets things or needs to go home early. And when Clint misjudges when he does or doesn't need a pull-up, and he ends up getting wet, Bucky can empathize, though it always makes him sad to see Clint feeling mad at himself about it.

They share another bond, and there's a deep and profound relief in finding that they're not alone in their unease with their own minds. They both know what it’s like to feel the ghosts of someone else echoing in their heads. To be surrounded by friends and yet feel so alone, so starkly _different_ , like a big jumbled mess behind a mask of their old selves.

“S’like...ice, for me,” Bucky says slowly one evening. They’re slumped across the couch, paused in the middle of _How to Train Your Dragon 2._ It had mind control in it and that upset both Bucky and Clint, and they had to have JARVIS pause the movie so they could huddle together and calm down.

Bucky was shaking really bad, so it was Clint who spoke first, even though he was still all riled up from seeing Toothless’s eyes change. Natasha told him that his eyes were different when Loki was in his head, and it had hit him then, just how scary that must’ve been for her.

But Bucky was huddled up on the other side of the couch, trembling, so Clint pushed down his own upset and scooted over to the side of the couch and promised that, just like Toothless, what happened to him isn’t his fault.

And that’s how they started talking about the mind control and how shitty it still feels sometimes. It’s like a balm to a place that’s still raw and hurting, just knowing he’s not alone with this.

“Yeah. Like I’m always walking on ice. Like it’s so thin sometimes and when it breaks…” Bucky shakes his head. Clint guesses that he doesn’t have the energy to find the words to explain it.

Even when he’s big, talking costs him a bit of time and effort. Right now, his words seem spent, but Clint knows what he means.

“You just fall. Right into the cold. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Bucky shudders and nods and scoots a little closer into Clint.

“It’s like falling for me too,” Clint whispers once Bucky’s less shaky. “And then he’s in me, holding me up, but it’s too tight. His hands are all in me, squeezing my brain around.” He can feel Loki's invisible fingers, like cold and slimy tentacles that get in everywhere, turning his body into a puppet. The complete lack of control is the most horrifying and frustrating feeling, even now that Clint’s got a daddy he trusts to take control when he needs it. And only Bucky knows just how scary it is to have that still lurking inside, ready to take hold at any second.

They stay pressed close together for a while, murmuring little words of comfort and keeping the cold at bay. Bucky’s a super-soldier like Steve, so big and solid and warm. Clint tries to be that comforting for him, to keep him steady on the thin, slippery ice.

They decide there’s no way they’re going to finish the movie tonight, not with Bucky still all shaken up from it. Too much excitement all at once will crash him out, so they decide to just play some Minecraft in creative mode to chill.

Minecraft is, Clint thinks, the greatest game ever; it’s like legos, but for adults.

He's tempted to suggest building a rocketship, but he thinks maybe Bucky won't want to do that when he's big, so instead they start working on a giant fortress.

They’re all wrapped up in shaping the spire over a turret when Clint realizes Bucky’s icon isn’t moving. “Bucky, what’s up?” he asks. Bucky’s frozen with a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face, and Clint can guess what’s going on with him. “Okay, come on.”

He takes Bucky’s arm and helps him to his feet, keeping a steadying hand on his back as Bucky reaches down to grab at himself. His body doesn’t always warn him when he needs to pee, and so now he’s right on the verge of pissing himself. And sure enough, he freezes, halfway to the bathroom, clutching himself with such a look of horror that Clint’s heart aches for him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he says, as calmly as he can while hoping Bucky won’t freak out, “You know I won’t judge. It happens.”

He can perfectly read the pained humiliation in Bucky’s eyes and the exact moment he gives in and becomes little; he knows all too well how awful it is to deal with this when he’s an adult. The question is, what’s he going to do now? Should he call Steve?

The matter is further complicated by the urge tugging insistently at him to give in and be a kid too. He's never managed to stay big when he's playing with his little brother, but Bucky needs him right now, needs someone to be in control and keep him from losing it completely. He's shaking so bad, huddled up on the floor, and Clint finds himself wondering just what he’s so scared of; he’s been here long enough that Clint really, really hopes he knows he won’t be punished for having an accident. Carefully, he kneels and wraps his arms around Bucky, trying to figure out what to do next.

Bucky tugs on his sleeve, trying to say something. It must be important, because usually he doesn’t do words when he’s this upset. “What is it?”

“Ruined it?” Bucky mumbles, his forehead creased with worry.

“No, Bucky,” Clint promises, squeezing tighter, “You didn’t ruin anything. Sometimes this sh—I mean, this stuff just happens. If you need to go home it’s okay.”

Bucky's still shaking, and Clint's not sure if what he said even got through. He thinks of Steve and how he always seems to know how to help. “Right now, we’ve got a choice to make," he tries, very slowly and as calmly as he can "but we're gonna sit for a minute first and just hug, okay?”

That seems to be the right thing to do. Bucky flings himself into his lap, kinda knocking his breath out. (Bucky acts so little sometimes that it’s easy to forget he’s actually bigger and heavier than Clint.) His head rests on Clint’s shoulder and he nuzzles into his neck and that’s when Clint understands exactly why Steve wants this, what he gets out of being a daddy. He feels a surge of love so strong it’s like his heart is actually swelling up in his chest. He rocks Bucky and squeezes him, and Bucky squeezes back.

After a moment of just holding onto each other, Bucky’s breathing normally again. “Choice time,” Clint says, trying to think about how to phrase it the way Steve would, “We can call Daddy, but if he comes, he’ll take you home. You can try to be big again and take care of this by yourself. _Or_ ,” Clint says carefully, “I can help you get cleaned up. I won’t judge you. I—I know how this feels, so if you need me to help, I’ll help. Any choice is okay,” he adds, because even though he really wants Bucky to stay, he shouldn’t put pressure on him. If he needs to go home, he needs to go home.

Bucky takes an extra long time, because that’s three choices and Clint knows he really isn’t sure about that third one. Clint’s usually little when Bucky is, so Bucky’s not used to Clint taking care of him. But Clint’s the big brother anyway; right now he’s just an _extra_ -big brother. He can do this, if it means Bucky will stay and they can call tonight a success. Not that either he or Steve would ever throw it in his face if he doesn't make it through, but he knows how awful Bucky feels every time he tries so hard to do something and he just can't.

He tries to be as patient as Steve is, cuddling Bucky and letting him hug on really, really tight. It's a bit of a risk, actually, as falling into his little headspace is a bit like falling asleep; sometimes it just creeps up on him when he's not expecting it, and with Bucky clinging all over him, it's harder than he thought it would be to keep pulling out of it and be a grown-up. Clint gets scared and sad when Bucky's upset, and it takes a lot of restraint not to give in and call for Daddy. He just seems to be getting Bucky settled down and that'd probably get him all worked up again anyway.

Finally, Bucky pulls away, his brow creased in worry. “Not mad?”

“You know I’m not.” Clint gives him a little kiss on the forehead, right where that anxious little crease is, trying to soothe it away.

“You do,” Bucky mumbles, looking down, and Clint tries to push away the worry that he won’t be as good as Steve. Really, no one’s as good as Steve; Steve just is _such_ a daddy. But changing Bucky isn’t that hard; he’s not squirmy the way Clint is, and it’s clear he’s trying really hard to be good. He looks so _sad_ , huddled up on the bathroom floor while Clint carefully works off his pants and his soggy pull-up. Clint finds himself drawing on all those _little_ feelings still pulling at him, trying to remember how to tease a smile back onto Bucky's face.

“Why all these sads?” he asks, poking at Bucky’s tummy, “Where are all your sillies? Come on, I know you’ve got some in there, Bucky Bear. Oh, there, you see?” he exclaims as a ghost of a smile appears on Bucky’s face, “Sillies, just like I thought. Well, I think I’ll just have to tickle them out.”

That gets a couple real giggles out of Bucky, enough that Clint can finish wiping him up and get a dry pull-up on him. It really isn’t that bad—he knows how to do it from all the times Steve has helped him. It's kind of weird, but it's not like it's something he's never seen before, and anyway he used to have clean himself all the time before he had a daddy. He’s a little clumsy at it just because he's trying too hard not to make _Bucky_ feel weird about it, but he manages to get him cleaned and clothed and he even gets a few tummy tickles in there.

Steve always reassures Clint that he doesn’t mind all the hard things that come with being a daddy—not even dealing with wet pull-ups or getting peed on or any of Clint’s general issues with bodily control. Steve has promised, again and again, that it really is okay.

And Clint has always found it kind of hard to believe him, right up until now, because he really doesn’t mind taking care of Bucky. He kinda likes gently teasing him and tickling away his sadness and comforting him as much as possible.

In fact, he thinks, offering out a hand to help Bucky off the floor and pulling him into a big hug, he feels like he couldn’t possibly love him any more than he does right now.

And his little side has stopped fighting his big side for control, both parts of him in agreement on one thing: he can’t help feeling a huge rush of pride that Bucky trusted him with such an intimate thing, that he was able to help get him through it. Clint knows how hard this was for Bucky, but he made it better, and right now he feels like the best big brother in the world.

*

Bucky’s still feeling a little iffy about letting Clint help him get changed.

It’s different from when Daddy does it, and even though Daddy’s told him lots of times that something being different doesn’t have to mean it’s bad, Bucky just takes a long time to make up his mind about new things. And this is kind of a big thing to make up his mind about.

But he feels a little bit proud, too. Lots of times when he has problems it’s just too much for him to deal with and Daddy has to take him away to get calmed down. This was a really big thing—Bucky was so upset and ashamed, and just being away from Daddy had made him scared all over again that he’d be in such big trouble for peeing his pants. Logically, he knows by now he won’t be punished. But when he's really scared he still can't help thinking that maybe Daddy's the only thing protecting him from it.

And even though he was feeling so bad, he pulled through it, and Clint changing his pull-up wasn’t so bad even though Bucky’s tummy felt all twisty and nervous about it at first. And Clint kept hugging him and tickling him and loving him the whole time.

He’s still so shaky and scared and the ice is so thin right now. It’s hard to move or even breathe. It takes a while for him to be able to leave the bathroom. He can’t help being scared that Clint will be mad because Bucky can’t stop messing up their plans, even though he tries to remind himself that Clint hasn't acted mad yet. And also that Daddy always tells him sometimes things don't always go as expected but it doesn't mean they're ruined. An accident might happen while he was staying at Clint's, Daddy warned him, and Bucky said he knew that. But that was before it actually happened and Clint had to help him clean up. He can't stop feeling so guilty and kinda like he's not sure if he wants to cry.

Clint just goes right back to playing video games like nothing even happened. He gives Bucky some space and doesn't pressure him to do anything, which is good because it lets Bucky come over slowly, creeping over the ice, and he manages to make it over to the couch without falling through. And then he's throwing himself on Clint's lap in relief and Clint's got him, hugging him tight around the middle so the cold lurking below can't get him. And he understands that maybe Bucky's not feeling quite ready to talk or play just now, so he gets back to work on his game and lets Bucky cuddle up to him, thumb in his mouth. He kind of wishes he had a paci, but then he'd never manage to be big again.

As he calms down he starts getting the giggles because Clint is kind of squished under him and he looks silly with his head sticking out to the side to see the screen. Clint asks him what's so funny, but he can't answer and he just keeps giggling, and Clint kisses his forehead and tells him he's got too many sillies. Bucky laughs harder and Clint tickles him to chase all those sillies away.

He’s been little with Clint big a few other times before, but he’s only ever had Daddy or Thor in charge of taking care of him. He's never thought about Clint doing it, but this isn't so bad. Clint's not Daddy, but he knows how to be patient and give Bucky space and when to hug on extra, extra tight. He doesn't mind cleaning up icky accidents and he can tickle out sillies and make Bucky feel all good and tingly and loved.

It takes him an extra-long time to be big again; he was all upset from the movie and then from having an accident and making a big choice and trying to relax enough to let Clint change him. He’s only just realizing now how much strain that all was. Clint says it’s okay if he needs to keep on being little for a while.

“Later on, if you’re still not big, you can decide if you want to go home to sleep,” he says, rubbing Bucky’s back, “but that choice can wait.” And so Bucky just sits and lets Clint feed him cheetos and watches him build houses out of blocks in Minecraft. The background music is really calming and Bucky feels a whole lot better. Maybe, he decides, Clint being in charge really is a good kind of different.

Being grown-up again is really hard because as his headspace gets big, he starts feeling really embarrassed. Wetting himself when he’s an adult feels different than when he’s little, and it’s one of his biggest anxieties about being around people. Even though Steve has promised that it’s hard to tell he’s had an accident when he’s wearing protection, he still can’t help feeling humiliated when it happens around someone new. Or when he finds himself making a dash for the bathroom, squirming and holding himself like a toddler.

Clint must notice his deep blush setting in, because he gives Bucky’s shoulder a brief squeeze. “Don’t worry about it, bud. I’ve been there. It’s okay.”

And that’s all that needs to be said about this little hiccup in their plans. Bucky eases off his lap, grabs a controller and a handful of cheetos, and they play.

It is nice to know that Clint really does understand some of what he just went through. He does know what it feels like to lose control of himself. To need someone else who'll just take care of him. To feel so humiliated and frustrated by it all.

As they're getting dressed for bed, Bucky tells him, "Thanks. For helping me. And, uh. Just for being so good about it."

"S'alright, Bucky," Clint says easily, and but it's no small matter for Bucky. As he brushes his teeth he thinks about the best way to say what he wants to say, and as they climb into bed together he tries the words again.

"I really mean it. Thanks for everything today. Steve is Steve, he's Daddy, you know? But for other people. I get worried about what they'd think."

"I know," Clint says, "Believe me, Bucky, I feel you on that. And I know it's hard to talk about, even. You don't have to say anything if you're not okay to talk about this."

"Only with you," Bucky says, because Clint gets it and because when Bucky says stuff like that he looks really happy, even when he's big, and it makes Bucky feel warm inside. Clint really needs a lot of help feeling better about himself. Bucky likes being able to help.

"Was it weird for you, though? I know it'd feel weird letting anyone but Steve do that. Not that I minded helping," Clint says hastily, "It's totally fine, I promise."

"It kinda was," Bucky says after a moments' thought, "It helped that you've already seen, you know. Everything. And you understand. You, it—" Bucky stumbles a little, clumsily reaching over to pat Clint's arm. Clint gets it and gives him a little smile, waiting patiently for him to figure out what he wants to say. "It helped. You won't stop loving me as much or think I'm bad."

"Oh, man, Bucky," Clint says, sliding over to wrap an arm around him so he can hide his burning-red face in Clint's shoulder. "Yeah, I get that, of course I still love you." For a minute he just holds tight, and Bucky clings onto his pajama shirt. Clint gives him little squeezes and Bucky presses in closer, and that way they can say what they want to each other without having to really say anything at all.

"What was weird for me, though, was not being little when you were. It was harder than I thought," Clint admits. 

Bucky hadn't thought about that. He's always a kid when Clint is and he can't imagine being an adult when his big brother is acting so little. "Sorry."

"No, it wasn't a bad thing. Just something new, I guess.  I just wasn't sure if I should call Steve or try and help. I'm not sure I'm good at being in charge."

"You were good," Bucky informs him, and yawns. He's spent so much today talking about important things, and all the words and feelings have left him more tuckered out than he realized. He's also feeling maybe ten percent little again. It's hard to stay big when he's all sleepy. But thinking about the stuff they talked about reminds him of one more thing to say, and it's really important. Important enough to prop himself up a little and make himself talk just a little bit more. "Clint?"

"Yeah?"

"When we were talking about mind control. That helped too. I'm glad—uh, not glad for what happened to you. But glad I'm not the only one who still feels it sometimes. You know?"

"Yeah, Bucky, same to you. But hey, you sound just about zonked out. We'll definitely talk about all this another time, yeah?"

Bucky nods, sliding back down into Clint's arm. Clint pulls the blankets up over them both.

"I'm glad I have you as a brother," Bucky says around another big yawn, scooting up close to Clint. Maybe his headspace is a little back-and-forth and he's not so sure how big he feels, but that's okay. His big brother's arms are right there to hold him nice and safe. He gives Clint's tummy a few little pats to say thank you.

"M'glad I have you too, Bucky," Clint says, and Bucky glows all warm and fuzzy, held far away from that ever-present ice. "JARVIS, lights out."

Darkness settles over the two of them, and they fall asleep safe and secure in each others' arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just basically going to be a series of little plot bunnies in Mr_Phich's [Everyone Needs A Chance to be Small](http://archiveofourown.org/series/449218) 'verse. Not necessarily in chronological order. This particular chapter is supposed to take place not too long after the events of _to go chasing a whale._
> 
> I have a lot on my plate for August and I'm gonna try and post as much of it as possible. I have two August birthday fics I'm currently working on, and after that I'll try to update the "Sunshine" and "To Share the Cages" fics. It's a lot, but I hope to have it by the end of the month. Sorry I'm terrible at sticking to any sort of posting schedule, guys.


End file.
